Clicking "Publish" Is scary

Today's blog post was supposed to be some of my favorite portrait images from 2015, but every time I thought about writing that blog post this week I just cringed and couldn't do it. Instead, I thought I'd get real with you and tell you that blogging has been a real challenge lately. It rarely fails when I hang out with a group of photographers or wedding industry peeps, that someone tells me they enjoy my blog and admire how well I keep up with it... they just can't do it. And my response is always that it comes naturally to me. I've literally been blogging since I was in middle school, when blogging was just starting to become a thing (nope, no way I'm linking you to THAT teenage madness). So I understand why it's difficult to START blogging when you've never done it before.

For me, blogging always becomes the most difficult when I have thoughts and feelings that I don't think I should share on my blog. Every time my life hits a rough patch, my blogs have faltered because I don't like sharing self-indulgent complaints or melodrama. And sometimes I worry that I'll upset someone, so I just keep those thoughts tucked away and try to pretend they're not there. This has become all the more challenging as I've attached my blog to my business and have to tip toe the line between professional and personal.

So let me just say some really honest things that I would never say out loud to anyone but Erik, but that are dragging me down. And I say them not because I want pity or sympathy or anything like that. I just have a tendency to internalize everything to the point of combusting and figure I might as well give releasing a try! 

I've been really stressed out ever since I learned I was pregnant. Like majorly. I think that was pretty obvious from my one pregnancy post. Everyone who talks to me, talks about this baby and they're full of excitement and congratulations and I honestly just want to be as giddy as they are. I'm jealous of the new moms and pregnant friends I know right now who are happily planning their nurseries and taking weekly bump photos (and granted, I really only see these things through social media, so what do I really know about their true feelings). One of my friends asked if I was going to take maternity photos and I instantly recoiled because why would I want to document this time in my life where I feel so terrible and out of control? So overwhelmed and alone? I'm glad most women don't seem to feel this way and that they want to document this thrilling experience, but sadly that isn't me at all. I feel like a mess. 

Just rereading that paragraph makes me want to delete it. It's terrifying to speak these thoughts. I don't want anyone to think I don't want this baby. I really do. I AM excited to meet little Willow and watch her grow up and to see Erik become the perfect daddy who always has a new magic trick to amaze us and a dad joke to make us groan (he's already practicing these by the way... I thought they just came naturally to dads, but no, apparently some dads practice and save them up!). But all these thoughts are just the rational side of my brain... the side of my brain that said "hey, it's time to have a baby!" in the first place. They seem completely disconnected from the way I actually feel on a day to day basis.

I'm aware that pregnancy plays all sorts of fun games with your hormones and that could easily be one of the reasons I feel so crazy lately. But fair warning, the instant someone says that to me, I want to kick them in the throat. I just feel instantly written off when someone tells me I'm being hormonal. Like my feelings are not real, my issues not legitimate, and like I should probably just shut up and keep those thoughts to myself. Full disclosure, an idiotic doctor once told me I was probably just hormonal when he couldn't figure out why I was vomiting and passing out every day. So I have a history of being frustrated by that phrase. 

So all this to say... I am very distracted lately. It's January. It's business and personal goal-setting time and all I can think about is May. Preparing for May. Getting to May. Surviving after May. My blog and my business have felt like such an after thought lately and I hate that. I literally have a marketing plan from NOVEMBER all written out and ready to be implemented that I've done nothing about. I bought new software to experiment with, also in November, that I haven't even opened yet. It's ridiculous and frustrating because I could easily change these things. I could just DO IT. And I don't. 

If you've read this far, you're either really dedicated or really concerned. Either way, I appreciate it. If you see me in person after this and ask me how it's going, I'm sure I'll reply with the same old "everything's good" like I always do. That's just how I deal I guess. Avoidance and lies! But also, especially if you're my mom reading this right now haha, don't worry. I know I'll be fine and that there's a pot of gold ahead. I think I just needed to dump out some of these feelings so I feel a little less like a liar walking around telling people how happy I am. 

And also, maybe it's okay for my blog to get a little more personal and a little less "here's your recipe of the week!" I've been following the advice of other successful bloggers on this and maybe that's not what I need to do. After all, most of them did not start blogging because they love writing. And I think that makes it a completely different thing. That will be something for me to think about.