Well, it's officially OUT THERE. Baby Heidenthal is on her way. Sidenote: Why is nothing official in life anymore until it's been broadcasted via Facebook? The world is so weird. But regardless, we are due in May and are extremely excited to meet little girl. Mostly, I'm excited to see Erik with a baby. Is that weird? If you know Erik it's probably not that weird. If you don't know Erik, I'm sorry.
I debated a lot on how I wanted to approach this whole pregnancy thing on my blog. Sometimes it's hard when your business is so personal to know where to draw the line on these matters, but this blog has never been strictly business. That said, I'll do my best not to inundate you with baby updates, but I figured a little summary of each trimester would be reasonable enough.
I also want to add a disclaimer... I have some strong, personal feelings on pregnancy and healthcare in general, but please know that those feelings are just what I said... PERSONAL. Your opinions are PROBABLY going to differ in some way and that's always okay. I don't seek to condemn anyone's choices and hope nobody seeks to condemn mine. (One trimester in and I've already learned these kind of disclaimers are necessary when it comes to babies of any age.)
Let me be real. Like, real real. I was on and off crying when I first found out I was pregnant. And not the happy cry. I don't think I've ever happy cried haha. But I'm not a cryer; I wasn't feeling hormonal (please, if you ever say that to me I will only want to punch you in the face); and I wasn't disappointed in any way. I was just scared. I'm a very change-averse person. Big changes always terrify me. My first years of elementary, middle, high school, and college were all extremely painful because the transition was so hard for me. It's one of my biggest insecurities, so I'm trying to be very honest about it with this pregnancy. I think hiding those feelings only amplifies them.
So hearing friends' and families' personal stories about their instant euphoria over pregnancy only made me feel worse that I didn't feel that excitement. I can still tell just in the way people look at me that I'm not exuding the kind of joy and eagerness that people expect from a mommy to be and that that's concerning to them. But, somehow, it's not concerning to me. I guess I know myself and I know that I just need time to grasp the enormity of this. In my more arrogant moments (hey, we all have a deadly sin right?) I think that I just have a realistic grasp of how enormously my life, personally and professionally, is about to change, how hard it will be sometimes, and how quickly that's all about to happen. Shoot, even my physical body is changing and doing insane things! It's like literally every part of me is transforming. Anyone who understood all that would be nervous about it right? No? Okay, well I definitely am! And I have to put that out there, at the least so that others who read this won't feel as alone as I've felt in how weird this all is. I mean, a HUMAN BEING is growing inside me. Is it really that strange to find that overwhelming?
By the way, that "realistic" understanding of what having a baby around is like might make you laugh. And that's understandable. But my youngest brother is 10 years younger than me so I do remember a lot of the highs and lows of that and was always mommy #2 for my little brother. So I know exploding diapers, sleepless nights (my parents' anyway haha), and incessant screaming. And I know first words, childish wonder, and the magic of fresh eyes. That was always my favorite thing about watching Cade grow up... witnessing his unique perspective and the wonder of everything feeling new and exciting again. I'm sure I'll only appreciate that more as an adult.
Anywho. Back to this whole pregnancy thing. Clearly I have a lot to say on the subject, but I've been holding this in for over three months, so bear with!
Let's talk about something really amazing. I haven't felt sick at all. Every time I go to the doctor, I tell her I've felt completely fine. She says every test is checking out perfectly. And I go about my day. Baby is healthy and I am not miserable. I an enormously grateful for this! And personally I credit it all to my new obsession with magnesium. I don't think I've blogged about this yet, but in summation, I read a book about magnesium this summer and think it's absolutely fascinating how much it affects our bodies. One thing it's said to help with is sickness during pregnancy. Well, we went out of town about a month ago and I forgot to pack my magnesium and I felt terrible by the end of the trip. It was the first time I felt truly nauseous. So if you're suffering from morning sickness, please give it a try! It's just a mineral, so no harm in trying. Magnesium has also cured the tension headaches I used to get so frequently, but that's just a fun side note.
Another super great thing? Erik. Yeah, I talk about that guy a lot. But man, I just know he's going to be such a good dad and he's been so perfect in all of this so far. When I told him we were pregnant and simultaneously burst into terrified Tiffany tears, he was yes, a bit confused at first haha... but when I told him I was just scared and overwhelmed, he got it. He never questioned it. He never acted like he could understand what I'm going through (which, some people may want but I'm kind of the opposite in that way). And most importantly, he never made me feel like it was some sort of sign of being a bad mother or wrong of me in any way. When I told him that I didn't want a typical hospital birth and wanted him to meet a midwife with me, he was completely on board and open-minded. When I asked if he wanted any input on what baby gear went on the registry, he said absolutely not, that I should just pick what I wanted. See! He's the perfect husband/dad ;)
He's also just been unflaggingly joyful about this baby. Usually I'm the one lifting him up while he stresses over little things, but when I worry about something, I tend to worry HARD. And he's been there to pick up the slack and remind me of all the things I really am excited about when my brain tries to overshadow them with worry. I try to be strong, but I'm your typical Cancer zodiac, and Erik knows the hard shell is just a shell. It's nice to know when I fall down, he's always there to lift me up.
I think that's a good note to end on. I have tons more I could say! But the bottom line is we're very excited. Seriously. The planner in me is finally feeling a little more in control as I decide on nursery colors, birthing decisions, NAMES. Even just finding out that we were having a girl put my mind at ease. It was one less question mark in a great big sea full of question marks! (Does anyone else's brain hurt from seeing the word "question mark" followed by an exclamation point? UGH I JUST DID IT AGAIN.) Thank you all for your kind words on Facebook and the encouragement and excitement you've shown so far. Our support system is huge and we're already grateful.