Sometimes you wonder what life is going to look like when you make a big change, like oh say having a baby. I definitely did. I wondered about it constantly when I found out we were having Willow, about a year ago now. It made me anxious. I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it all. I was scared that I'd have to make too many sacrifices, that my sadness about those sacrifices would make me feel selfish, that something between Erik and I would be lost.
So far, none of those fears have really come to pass. I may still be in the first month of "back to normal life" time, but after a few weeks of shooting, editing, and blogging again, it feels right. I may not be able to do those things on the predictable schedule I did in the past, but there's nothing that makes you maximize your time more than the sweet sweet 45 minute window of a baby's nap!
Last week was hard. Like, rocking a screaming baby at 3am and completely giving up on making her happy ever again so I'll just cry right withher kind of hard. I told my mom about that and she was sympathetic of course, but also almost nostalgic, saying "I remember those days." She tells me all the time how jealous she is of this phase of life I've just entered. And even on those terrible, no sleep nights I try to just be thankful for where we are now, instead of looking ahead to where we will be.
Sleep is always hard for Willow, but last week it was just a complete disaster for days. On top of that, I picked up chiggers on one of my photo shoots, as I'm so good at doing. It's basically becoming an annual tradition. And Fall allergies decided to really hit me that week too. These things don't sound like a big deal, but when you're desperately trying to help baby go to sleep, one rogue sniffaroo can be absolutely soul crushing for both of us!
Friday, I got home from a bridal portrait session, exhausted, but missing Willow (the session was over an hour away so I'd been gone a decent amount of time). I went straight to her to feed her and hold her and love her until she fell asleep. By the time that was done it was 10pm and I wandered downstairs to find something for dinner that I could munch on while I did some work at my computer. That's when the thought for this blog post hit me. I'm eating dinner at 10pm, working because baby's finally asleep, and this used to sound like a nightmare but I don't even care right now. Well, okay, I was hungry so I did care about that part. But the hungry part didn't matter when I got home at 9 and Willow needed me.
I've always been a person who rolled my eyes and judged the glorification of busyness. I hate when you ask someone how they are and they say "oh, so busy!" I mean, I still do. But I'm starting to understand it a little more. I am starting to feel constantly busy, and it's not like I wear that word with any sort of badge of honor. But it's definitely feeling true. And I'm okay with it.